rageagainstreagan's Xanga

Forget, Forget, Forget...

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 04:24:27 GMT

I just need to remember that this is what I wanted. I left because I was unhappy not just because he lied to me about another woman. He could be so horrible sometimes, and I was constantly disappointed. My feelings were hurt and are still hurt. I wish I could just erase it and never have to feel this pain again. I want to forget all about it. Everything we had, every feeling I had for him. I want to forget the moments when I felt so connected I would tear up and know that no one else could ever make me feel that way. I just want to forget.

This is the end, my only friend the end.

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 00:43:26 GMT

I am so hurt, so angry, so sad. How could he do this to me? Why was it worth it? What was he thinking??? I have a constant, endless stream of thoughts in my head. I desperately want to him but then I don't. I want him to want to talk to me, to miss me to the point of tears, to be lonely without me, to see subtle reminders everywhere. All selfish, but essentially I want him to feel all the things I feel and more. But then I don't want him to know I feel that way.

I also want to be free of all these feelings, to find happiness in my being unattached and uninhabited. Right now I really can go anywhere and do anything. It is a beautiful thing. But all I see right now is sorrow and emptiness. I try to remind myself of how lonely and incomplete I felt with him. I have not been truly happy with him in ages. Much of what I feel now is simply an amplification of what I felt through much of our relationship.

He was mean and belittling. He diminished so much of who I was because I was constantly swallowing parts of myself to appease the situation. Everyday it was as if little parts of my soul died. Granted there were obviously moments that were good, but they were far and few between.

On the other hand, he made me laugh and he was my friend. To be accustomed to someone in your life and then to leave it behind gives way to tremendous grief. I am grieving now, recollecting lost memories and feeling the empty space in myself where he was. I am sad mostly.

"Yes, we can."

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 10:13:56 GMT

As our economy continues to diminish, our national debt becomes greater and our military tires of battle, we the people begin to wonder of our own futures. With the continuation of our current political direction, the longevity of our nations greatest principles are at stake. It is difficult to know what lies before us, but it is clear that this is the time for serious action and a time for immeadiate change.

The exposure of our nation's most significant political election throughout recent history has begun with an overwhelming movement of minorities, youth, and an internal desire for change. This election marks a point in our history that will never be forgotten.

In these troublesome and uncertain times it is necessary for the unification of our America to begin; taking our first steps into the future. The power of our individual vote has been diminished and discarded by those who take advantage and exploit us to win an election; instead of encouraging us to move forward and clasp our need for true leadership.

This movement of hope, and the demand for change is altering the face of predictable politics. The evidence is clear, and the message is defining. The power of the disillusioned people has sparked a desire that emboldens those that cry out for a new direction. So many times before, real change has begun in the hearts and minds of the few, who challenged the status quo and encouraged those around them to question what is by insisting on what should be.

As you look across the landscape of America and see those that suffer, those that mourn, and those that hope, it is impossible to deny the necessity of change. Like a breath of fresh air, the possibility of a new direction is within our grasp. It is imperative to bask in this moment and once again believe in the greatness of a nation that carries an opportunity for prosperity unlike any other.

I encourage you to go forth and challenge yourselves with a belief in the possibility of change, and the expectation of truth. Deny those who discourage you, and hold on to the vote that was given to you. Use it to speak out and tell them to beware this movement; because, “yes, we can” bring change.

“Nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.” - Sen. Barack Obama

Class Today--

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 05:18:35 GMT

Today, as we discussed Radical Feminists, I pondered my own personal labels. For the record, the idea of one of the pieces was that people should embrace their labels and appreciate one another's differences. So, here are some of my labels...

Feminist , mother, daughter, sister, friend, animal lover, tree hugger, liberal, realist, politico, conservationist, student, patient, consumer, and philanthropist.

*Please note: not lover, girlfriend, wife or other.

I will now try to go and embrace my differences within the human experiance.

>>>Here is a shot out to my good friend Jeremy, who misses my blogs.

Dear Mr. Feuer and Ms. Ferrell,

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 04:24:05 GMT

I would not consider myself an avid reader of The Guardian, but rather a casual acquaintance to the papers more sultry subjects. I was, however given an opportunity today by a fellow classmate to read the latest issue containing the sensationalism of our drug laws.

I must first state my immense surprise that there are students in our community of intellectuals that are unaware of the drug policies regarding financial aid compliance and eligibility. I will commend our University in its known attempts inform the student body of these expectations, and reprimand the students failure to pay attention. Although the piece was directed toward the existence of an increased number of arrests, it was evident that the policy was previously unknown to far too many students.

Now, I must address the policy itself. I can see how one of moral integrity would applaud such a policy that seeks to deter individuals from pursuing a life involved in, or built around the use of drugs; however, I do not see how that individual could ignore or dismiss the obvious fallacies of the agreement.

This policy is the overstep of government control. The road to civil liberty infringement is one of slippery agendas masked by ‘positive’ political policies. Many can advocate the interest of the people and the positive, intended effects of this policy: keeping drugs off campus, ending drug addiction, etc…; but one should ask themselves “What are the total effects?”. Yes, students should not “be able to use their federal loan to subsidize a drug habit”, as Mr. Kohler so eloquently put it, but in reality that is an assumptive argument with little foundation.

It is the penurious masses who are enduring the ramifications of this policy. I must highlight the lack of punishment for those individuals who stand independent of the need for financial aid. If my parents are able to afford my education alone, I am without punishment for my ‘wrong’ doings and am able to go free to continue my studies harmoniously. However; those in need of the aid do not. Furthermore; why is it that if I murder someone I do not lose my financial aid? This is a fair policy? If it is drug use, addiction and drug related entrepreneurialism on campus that the government and its constituencies are trying to defeat, then should the question not be the consent of a student to continue there studies? The burden of punishment should not fall on the shoulders of the needy alone.

In conclusion it is my goal to highlight the simplicity of fact that this policy, which Mr. Feur has so graciously brought to the attention of the students, is unfair, inconsistent, and illogical. It is also to show the evidence that this rule is a part of an overall policy agenda that resembles that of moral policing. Unfortunately, it is obvious that there are students who are uniformed of the policy, and therefore the question of blame falls upon themselves.

I urge those intellectuals who see the faulty nature of this particular policy, and others similar in nature, to go forth with the idealistic belief that individuals should not be confined by policy conducted by those who are more interested in politicking than in the body of individuals they represent. If it is the end of drug use that ‘we’ pursue with this rule, then let us find policies that incorporate fewer injustices and instead result in greater achievements.

“That the principle is, that the sole end for which mankind are warranted, individually or collectively, in interfering with the liberty of action of any of their number, is self-protection. That the only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others.” John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

Sun. Rise.

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 11:22:56 GMT

Dawn is by far my favorite time of day. Sunrise marks the beginning of a new day, and the end of an old one. Every morning the sun rises Apollo is clearly defined, and one is able to see his bright orange color as he begins to climb for the highest part of the blue sky. His bright orange colors fade into a brilliant yellow, too bright to see in the day. Yet, if you wait there patiently at the beginning of his quest, he will allow you to see his true colors for a few numbered moments. He is far too hot and bright in his mid-day but be still in his beginning, and he will reveal himself to you.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thu, 11 Oct 2007 22:53:44 GMT

There are 6, 624, 014, 918 people in the world and sometimes all you need is 1.

Consolation No.3 In D Flat Minor

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 13:51:51 GMT

The woos of love are able to bewilder and enchant us brilliantly and seamlessly. As our minds succumb to the will of our hearts, and our vision is blurred by the pumping of warm blood though our veins and into our loins--our intentions begin to wonder and plead. The inconsequential motions that follow are taken for the sake of one another, and are resulted in the immobile heartache that follows our love like a shadow.

In the light of day our affections grow and blossom beneath the Sweet Gums of summer; followed by the unending nights that were filled with the passions of youth and lust. Our hearts yearn for the matching of souls and the kindling of romance that is both blissful and unbelievable. The demise of love has only begun.

The bitter sweet result of love’s bite is one that stings even the strongest, most resilient of it’s victims. It is an arrow that pierces the coldest of hearts, and a wound that affects even the most benevolent of heroes. Love is tricky and curious; without it we are paralyzed to the beauty and humor of life, but with it we are bound by it: as a bull to his field. The paradox that is loves greatest strength and weakness is the willingness and loyalty of it’s signatories. The glue of any lasting relationship is the love between two people; however the wedge between them is often an awful result of that love.

Daños Del Amor

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 06:41:57 GMT

It has been some time since my last blog entry due to the fact that I have recently found myself the center of a number of unbelievable situations. My constant criticisms of the world have been cooled by the increasing stimulation of other areas of life. The demand of my social life has pardoned my need to articulate the absences of logic, truth, honor and virtue in these interesting times. Though this fact may appear useless, I must admit that the care free nature of my youths society is a tempting, rewarding and fun, and therefore I find it hard to resist it’s alluring scent. I apologize for my intellectual writing’s extended vacation.

Love is a situation that has continued to plague me. Although I am well equipped to understand the gestures, fallacies and choices of others my empathy for them never seems to aid in the relief of my heartache. It seems that my affection has not been adequately reciprocated by another. This reality is puzzling enough, but when combined with the actions that were taken during the affairs end it is even more disheartening. My unlucky love life maybe a reflection of the ease of my intellectual life. It is difficult to know the reasons for sure.

The truth is that love is a complicated mixture of a persons most intimate and vulnerable feelings. The combination of lust, love, fear and pleasure are confusing to every mind, especially those minds that are torn, conflicted, or guilty. The consistency of anger, frustration, laughter and affection within a relationship are difficult for people to endure in times of crisis, change and question. A lack of courage and/or confidence is deadly to the health and prosperity of any relationship. It can leave the crucial components of ones feelings forgotten or unsaid, and it can lead people to leave, even though they shouldn’t.

The only truth within the love’s atmosphere is that it does hurt. Each moment that bares the fruits of love are quickly followed by the disappointment and regret that is innate to existence. I will never learn lasting lessons from love, or bare great caution when entering into love. For I love simply and as honestly as possible. I can rarely provide explanation for its hold over me or it’s ability to make me so very happy. Though I can provide the most wonderful description of the feelings that love gives me. In conclusion it is my curse and by blessing. It is my childish enthusiasm drives me towards love with a heart that is overwhelmingly willing that is my blessing, while an ability to articulate it’s existence and state is my curse. Perhaps if I were not so intimidating able to voice my affection and feelings, then I would not send those whom I venture to love away.

"Fields of Gold"

Wed, 09 May 2007 18:49:57 GMT

Life is the unbridled happiness that comes from gaining wisdom. Wisdom, unlike intelligence, is not something that is gained by all or many. It is a great trait that is obtained through such acute attention to life’s details that very few truly capture it.

Life is so much more than the quantifiable accomplishments of man. In truth life is but a memory that fades. The vast experiences that each person holds can never be vividly revealed or understand by anyone except the individual who deemed it worth remembering. I will never know the lives that my parents lived, but I value them as though I do. I may not know the instances of greatness within their pasts, but I know that they had them; just as we all have.

It is my belief and philosophy that love is the purpose of life; not just the love between lovers, but the love between friends, relatives and ideas. Our lives run past us as the sand through an hourglass. It is the memory that we harbor for one another that we are left with. As my life fades it will be the memory that I have left with those whom I loved that keep me alive. When my parents leave me it will be the memory I have of them that keep them with me.

I have a coffee stained piece of paper with the words “Happy Birthday” tucked away in a box that belonged to my mother. It was my 13^th birthday, my father left it for me before he went to work. I found it in front of the television when I awoke that morning. It is the greatest present he has given me. To anyone else that old piece of paper is just trash, but to me it is the exemplification of the love my father has for me, and the evidence of my love for him. --Just one memory that I hold dear.

I have loved few in my short life, but I will remember them all forever. I will long for a day when they were near and I was happy in that moment with them. Even in the face of sorrow and loss I will know that there was a day, and will forever be a day that they left in my mind that was invincible to the tests of time.